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Past, Present, Future

I thought I was alone.
I thought I am alone.
I thought I would always be alone.
Until I looked into my little brother’s eyes.
Someone who knew me better than I knew myself.
Someone who loved me more than anyone’s ever loved.
Someone who taught me things I didn’t know I needed to learn.
The truth was there.
The truth is there.
The truth will always be there.
He is that someone.


accepting the truth

I sat with my dad today. It had been awhile, you know, since the change and all. We went for a long drive. The spring weather was nice. I could smell the fresh buds finally starting to flourish and that unusual summer smell of grass just around the corner. But I couldn’t feel the wind through my hair. I guess it was a good thing; it wouldn’t go with the look I was going for anyway. I was finally starting to realize things, I was piecing it all together, one day at a time, one puzzle piece at a time. Sometimes even when you’re living in a realistic reality world, it doesn’t feel that way until reality actuality hits you. I was afraid for so long, but mostly just angry at the world, and myself. I felt that if I spoke what I had out loud, it would make it more real. Reality is such a funny thing. It’s there without choice, acts without choice, and chooses to be there without choice. Either you come to grips with it, or let it overpower you day after day, until it finally consumes you. This reality, my reality has a name. Its name is Cancer. It’s been following me around for 58 days, 6 hours and 29 minutes. It’s there, but then again it’ll always be there. The wind in my hair won’t be. But that’s okay. It’s my reality.

holding it in

My eyes look as if I’ve spent the last 21 years of my life crying myself to sleep. It’s not nearly the case, but pretty close enough if you ask me. All these insecurities that I’ve worked so hard to hide are rising back above the water higher than ever. And at this point, the hottest guy on Earth can say that you are in fact the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and it won’t make a difference. I feel lonely when I’m not alone. And in the happiest of moments I find a reason to be sad. And in the saddest of moments I find a reason to be sadder. Last night, I had a conversation over the phone and was crying the entire time. Tears that I was forcing back in just wouldn’t listen. My friend had no idea, and I don’t blame him, I’m not big on talking about my feelings. At one point I asked him to hold on and put my phone down and literally sobbed like a two-year-old waiting to be fed. I couldn’t help it. I knew why I was crying, but didn’t want to come to the grips of understanding it, or justifying it or even accepting it. More than anything I just wanted to cry until I could cry no more. Sometimes all you really do have is yourself. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

A conversation

Anonymous: What do you do when your heart’s the only thing you have, and the one you want to give it to breaks it, and passes it back to you?

JADE: You take it back with open arms, fix it up, tape it back together, glue it where it belonged all along. On the left side of your chest, never to give it to anyone ever again.

ANONYMOUS: Right, never to give it to anyone ever again. What do you do about the tears already dried up and the pain subsided for a bit. And you still want that person back? Does it mean you don’t love yourself enough?

JADE: Means there’s someone worth loving more than you could possibly ever love yourself?

Dear God

Every night I close my eyes and fold my hands. I ask God little, and tell God more. Dear God, I’d like to thank you for the 24 hours of life you given me, in which my heart has continued beat and my lungs, have continued to breathe. I’d like to ask you for another 24 hours of life. In which I can be the best person I was meant to be in order to unite with you in the afterlife. Please continue to love, care, provide and forgive all those you have created, and please take care of your health and happiness always. I ask from you, two things, the gift of happiness and love. I love you always. Goodnight and sweet dreams.

i promise

not one person

His name starts with a c