holding it in

by navsahota

My eyes look as if I’ve spent the last 21 years of my life crying myself to sleep. It’s not nearly the case, but pretty close enough if you ask me. All these insecurities that I’ve worked so hard to hide are rising back above the water higher than ever. And at this point, the hottest guy on Earth can say that you are in fact the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, and it won’t make a difference. I feel lonely when I’m not alone. And in the happiest of moments I find a reason to be sad. And in the saddest of moments I find a reason to be sadder. Last night, I had a conversation over the phone and was crying the entire time. Tears that I was forcing back in just wouldn’t listen. My friend had no idea, and I don’t blame him, I’m not big on talking about my feelings. At one point I asked him to hold on and put my phone down and literally sobbed like a two-year-old waiting to be fed. I couldn’t help it. I knew why I was crying, but didn’t want to come to the grips of understanding it, or justifying it or even accepting it. More than anything I just wanted to cry until I could cry no more. Sometimes all you really do have is yourself. And there’s nothing wrong with that.